At church yesterday, the speaker talked about the word "Pathetic" in his sermon. We sometimes call others pathetic in fun, and sometimes if we are irritated or judgmental. We have freedom to choose to do whatever we wish, as long as we obey the laws of the land, and pay our taxes. The result of those choices sometimes turn our lives into what some might describe as pathetic.
Yesterday afternoon, I attended a meeting of our women's ministry. There were only a few women there, and it was to discuss a new program called, "Woman to Woman Mentoring". Women pair up for a period of 3 or more months, and the purpose is for friendship, encouragement, guidance, accountability... God put my name in the leader's heart and mind to invite for a reason. As I sat there listening to what all participation entailed, I felt the emotion begin to rise like a pot of boiling water. I knew the leader was eventually going to ask us why we had attended. I took a deep breath, prayed for calmness and the pot lowered to a slow simmer.
As we continued to listen, I sat there dreading the question. I thought about each woman who was there, and wondered if they would be interested in teaming up with me, or disappointed and uncomfortable if they were. Then the question came, and the pot boiled over. I poured out my need for friendship and how lonely I'd been for so long. How I'd prayed for a friend, and even tried to cultivate friendships with women in our church, but was unsuccessful. I could hardly get the words out, and of course, my chest, neck and face became blotchy red, as it always does when I'm emotional or the center of attention. I even mentioned that, heaven help me. But, the ultimate reason I was there, was because I've whined about this to God for so long, that I felt He whopped me upside the head and said, "Ok, here you go. Either attend this, and do something about it, or just shut up!"
Last night as I readied myself for bed, I felt....you guessed it...Pathetic. I couldn't understand why I couldn't have just mentioned a reason or two why I was there, without the whining, wailing and gnashing of teeth. I embarrassed myself and feel that I was way too dramatic. I even thought about sending the leader an email and apologizing, but that really wouldn't accomplish anything other than make me feel worse and her to feel she must excuse the behavior.(or feel sorry for me and I don't want that!) It could have been what God wanted... maybe it was...or He would have kept me calmer? I just wish I had been a little less Pathetic.