Saturday, January 24, 2009


Do you hold onto things simply because you've had them forever? Or because you feel a responsibility? Or because you think, "I'll get back to that next week." Or "next month, or next year or when I find the time!?" Guilty as charged, Your Honor.

I wanted a personal website so I could do all kinds of cool things with it. Add family history, post some of my creations, photos of the family, etc. I made it as far as figuring out how to manipulate and edit, and displaying very simple, non informative family lineages. Wow. How UN-exciting. Gone. I cancelled it.

I've been a genealogical person for some years now. Still am, and I still get all excited when someone I don't know contacts me out of the blue about one of my ancestors. But, have I done any work on it the last year? No. I have managed two websites that house genealogical information for several years. At one time it was a great passion and my kids even tell of a time when they fell by the wayside and the computer was my whole world. (I'm really sorry about that you two.) Have I made any real changes, or devoted any time other than a quick add-on request someone emailed me? No. So, good-bye to those two websites.

I noticed I was holding on to some indoor house plants that really aren't that attractive. Simply because I've had them a long time or I obtained them from the funeral of a loved one. OUT the door with you, you ugly things. One is on the back porch, looking rather comical as it droops from the cold.

I have all these ideas in my head, and when I think I have time to actually follow through with any of them, I just make excuses. I'm too tired, I don't feel like that today, it will take too much trouble to get out the equipment I need... any excuse. I get angry and disappointed with myself because I just won't do anything. I have gifts. God blessed me with them and I am so wrapped up in day to day stress and life that I can't seem to find a way to break out and use them. It's almost a burden they are mine, because I feel so guilty not using them for something. Anything. These are gifts I do NOT want to purge, or risk losing. I want to find a peace in my life, a place where I can retreat from the pressures of life and work, and just create. Does anyone understand what I'm talking about? But, I just can't seem to get past the restraint I feel by having to work. I keep thinking if I didn't have to go to work every day, I could.... there's just not enough time for me to be able to enjoy creating because I have to work.... And when I'm not at work, I have to work at home doing well, house work stuff.... MORE EXCUSES. I don't know how to fix this. Not working is not an option.

The past few weeks, God has been trying to tell me something. I'm not sure what it is though. I'm probably not listening carefully enough. I'm not being still enough to hear the Still Small Voice. Sometimes life is not what we'd like it to be. And God is with us if we will just keep remembering that.

In any case, I've purged a few things that weighed on my mind frequently. I hope I can purge some inner weight too. I weigh too much.


LeLe said...

I do know how you feel. I think it's common to make excuses about doing what we're good at because it makes us vulnerable. We're vulnerable to criticism of our creations (or whatever gift we have), we're putting ourselves out there for all to see, and as well, we think that if certain people see what we're capable of, they will demand more and we may not be ready for that. I struggle with that as well. The world is full of vampires just waiting to suck the life out of us for their own gain and once you've been burned, it's hard to not have that mindset. It's comfortable to just sit back and not do what we are capable of doing.

And I have told you time after time, you look good. Stop worrying about your weight! Look at me!!!

B Lines said...

I was speaking of figurative weight, not pounds. HA!!!

Sooz said...

I think we all come and go through different seasons of life. Times when we are all gung-ho to do stuff and other times when we are just worn out from doing it all. I've been worn out the past few years after being so committed to too many things with church and now I've sat back long enough and had a good rest that I'm ready to move on with my God given gifts again. Sometimes we find new gifts in that resting period and I think we feel the need to "clean" out things during that time. Maybe this is just your time to rest your gifts? These are just my crazy thoughts. =)
Hugs to you!

Y said...

PURGE girl!!! You'll feel alot 'lighter'!

Y said...

I love this post! I've read and re-read. It makes perfect sense.

Les said...

This makes perfect sense to me. I love my job very much, but I feel that it and the stress that comes with it are getting in the way of my actually having a life! I would LOVE to start a family, get serious about scrapbooking, get into geneaology (it sounds so interesting), be more involved in church, or just breathe! However, work is always in my way! I'm not really driven to create things, but I'd give ANYTHING to be able to have the time to do the things that are important to me.