Saturday, December 11, 2010

Another Untitled Post

I have no name for this. I could label it "Dark Post" or "Unhappy Post" or even "Not Really Sure What's Going to Happen Post".... But, the thing is, I feel this dark heavy cloud over me and this will "Not Be a Very Positive Post.

We spent another night in the ER with Mom. She was in a lot of pain, and none of the medications she had at home was doing enough to help. I knew already that the fluid was building back up in her lung, so the only option was to head to the ER. While sitting there, I tried to second guess myself, and questioned whether she really needed to be there, or if we could have called the ER OB-GYN on call instead. Turns out, she did need to be there.

She was given morphine for the pain, and it did help. Unfortunately, it effected her differently than it has in the past. She was pain free, but nervous as a cat in a room of rocking chairs.  The ER doctor decided to do a CT scan as well as an x-ray. I was very impressed with him. He didn't blow anything off, didn't act as if this was all part of the deal and we would just have to get over it, or that we didn't really need to be in the ER.

The X-ray showed the fluid in the lung, and fluid in the abdomen. We knew that too, because that is what the cancer does, it makes fluid called Acities. He wanted a CT scan, because she hasn't had one in 4 or 5 months. The thing is, we don't really know exactly what it showed. The an GYN doc came in once and a team of OB-GYN doctors came in twice and they only mentioned the fluid. The nurse however, mentioned "hematoma". What?! So, I feel we weren't told everything. The doctor(s) did discuss that there would be no draining of the fluids, and that pain relief was the only option. The last time a doctor came in, she had talked for a minute with Mom's oncologist, and she did mention the possibility of another type of chemo med, since the current one obviously isn't helping. We'll find out day after tomorrow.

Folks, this doesn't sound promising. And to be perfectly honest here.....I don't think there is much time left. There. I said it. Mom's brain function has diminished, and she didn't understand anything that was told her. She doesn't understand when I explain it to her after wards, and blocks out what she doesn't want to accept. So, she still believes there is the possibility of a cure, even after one of the doctors looked at her and said point blank..."You DO know there is no cure, and only pain management is possible now?" Mom was so drugged up by this time, she just looked at him with a blank stare. How do you repeat that to your Mom? HOW do you try to convince her the end is coming? Especially when she has denied it every step of the way.

There is something to be said for that kind of attitude. It helps you get through, gives you strength, helps you cope. And to be honest, it's much much better than wringing your hands and wailing all the time about how bad things are. But, how do you deal with a loved one who lives in denial? How do you answer her when she continues to wonder why these things are happening, and trying to find any other reason than the correct one?

I've decided to try to get all my Christmas things in order this weekend. And I've canceled a big family gathering that was to be at my home. I just don't know what is going to happen, or how many times I will wind up driving to the ER at the last minute. Since Mom denies it's terminal, she waits until she can no longer stand it before she tells anyone she needs to go. It usually happens at about 9:00 at night. She thinks she can make it through the night, but realizes late that she can't.  I'm also going to cancel a New Year's Eve gathering I had planned with friends. Things are just too up in the air and unsure right now.

So that is my not so positive post. The sad truth my friends. And I posted it as therapy, and it helps to get it out. I covet your prayers and I will keep you "posted" about how things are going, when I can.

  I have prayed for a cure, a miracle, a healing, but God obviously has said "No." this time. I've thought about praying that she won't suffer, but He said no when we prayed that for my Dad, so I am leaving it up to Him. I guess there is a reason for the suffering, and to be honest, how does it compare with the suffering Christ endured? God is good all the time. He is in control, and He will get us through. I thank Him for that, for the meds, for caring hospital staff, for my siblings to help me in this, for my children's support and understanding. And I especially thank him for LMW who distracts me and gives me something positive to think on. Praise God From Whom All Blessings Flow.

Right after I posted this, I saw this scripture verse and thought I MUST add it:
"And after you have suffered for a little while, the God of all grace, who called you to His eternal glory in Christ, will Himself perfect, confirm, strengthen and establish you." - 1 Peter 5:10


Y said...

You are all always in my prayers and especially now.

LeLe said...

Probably shouldn't have read this at my desk. *sniff sniff*

FrouFrouBritches said...

Bless your heart, Belinda. I am so, so sorry about all y'all are going through. Can't seem to quit crying. I'm praying for your family and for your mom. Love y'all!