Saturday, June 27, 2009

My Introspection Revised

I wrote an in depth post about what is bothering me these days, but felt a little uncomfortable with the knowledge that people other than those I'm close to might read it. I guess I'm just a little more private than I wish, and so I decided to revise it somewhat.

I've been concerned lately that I have no passion for anything. I read a book about a young artist who was driven by her need and desire to create and it made me jealous. I would love to be able to look forward to each day with excitement, knowing I was going to do what I loved. But, I'm in a place right now, where I feel no passion for anything.

When my children were babies, I was driven by my painting and was able to earn enough to buy Christmas presents several years. But the demand and the desire faded as they grew. Then I was passionate about children's activities at church. As they grew to middle and high school, I was very much into genealogy. For eight years I worked at the local library and had access to all the records, so it evolved into a passion. When we moved to Sheridan, that desire waned.

Since moving, I've tried to resurrect each of those to no avail. I enjoy painting, but it's almost a burden sometimes. I enjoy sewing sometimes, but the drive is just not there. Last Spring, I was passionate about gardening. It's hot now, and not much gardening to do. I was intrigued by the birds but they have dwindled in the heat. Researching my family history just seems like work. Is it because I'm basically lazy? So, I'm wondering what I'm supposed to be doing. What will define me?

I know God wants me to be passionate for Him. I do spend time with Him each day and try to stay in a prayerful attitude throughout the day. I begin and end each day talking with Him. But, I know there is more that He wants me to do, and I just keep searching for that. I want to think He will give me the desire, the drive, the passion for something. Until then, I wait, feeling a little lost.

I also desire to have a friend I can talk to about this sort of thing. Husbands are wonderful and will listen, but sometimes they just don't understand. And they are created to want to "fix" it. I'm thinking only God and I together can do that. I have always wanted to go back to the time when my mother was young. The wives would visit together, drinking coffee and talking with each other. These days, everyone is working to make ends meet. There are so few women who are blessed enough to stay at home, and I thank God every day for that privilege. Still, sometimes it can be a lonely place, and I've yet to find someone I am comfortable with, who enjoys my company as well. God will bring me someone eventually, or He will make it ok that He doesn't. I'm waiting for that day.

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